something you need to know

something you need to know:what you did and thought it was a punishment for me, has turned out to be the best thing you ever did in your whole life.
you saved me the effort to "remove" you from my life.
thank you so much for your kindness. appreciated so much.
Hebba

About love

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Interesting quote of someone, i didn't find his/her name at the website.

it just caught my attention and thought of sharing.

محاولاتٌ لقتل امرأةٍ لا تُقْتَل

باءت كل محاولاتي بالفشل يا سيدي. هاهي حبيبتي مازلت تحيا في قلبي. إكتشفتها صدفة حين كنت أفتش عن شئ كان يؤرقني و لست أعرف ما هو.

وجدتها ترقد في إحدى حنايا القلب، ساكنة، تنظر اليَ و تتعجب كيف وجدتها.كانت تختبئ مني هناك، وأنا الذي ظننت أني أقتلعتها من قلبي منذ سنوات. تكلمنا كثيرا، و رجعت كل الذكريات تمر أمام عيني. و وجدتها لا تزال تؤثر فيَ و تحركني.

قلت لها : رجاء سيدتي، إرحلي عني لست أريد هواك. لقد تبت عن العشق، و ها أنا ذا "أنظف" قلبي من بقايكن.

نظرت في عينيَ كأنها تبحث عن شئ، ثم ما لبثت أن ابتسمت ابتسامة رقيقة و قالت "أنا أمامك. أقتلني لتستريح. لن أختبئ بعد الآن".

قالت بصوتها الرقيق هامسة لي: " بعد رحيلي حاول أن تجد من تسعدك. و لكن لا تحبها كما أحببتني. تعقَل في حبك

أشكرك على النصيحة الغالية. و لكني تبت عن العشق.

أتعدني؟

نعم. أعدك. لن أعشق امرأة بعد الآن. لقد أعلنت توبتي و أستغفرت لذنبي. و أظنها قوبلت - توبتي أعني.

رأيتها تتلاشى، كأنها طيف و رأيت قلبي بعدها فارغا، لا شئ فيه. مكانها أصبح خالياً.

و لكن لم أحس بهذه المرارة؟ من أين يجئ الألم؟ ألم أقتلها؟

و سمعت صوتك يا سيدي نزار تتلو هذه الأبيات. لكأنك تتلوها عليَ؟

وعدتُكِ..

أنْ لا أعودَ .. وعُدْتْ..

وأنْ لا أموتَ اشتياقاً..

ومُتّ..

وعدتُ بأشياءَ أكبرَ منّي

فماذا بنفسي فعلتْ؟

لقد كنتُ أكذبُ من شدّة الصدقِ،

والحمدُ للهِ أنّي كذبتْ....

أبداً يا سيدي، لقد تبت. تبت عن العشق، و تعلمت العقل.

و تذكرت أبتسامتك لي يا سيدي و أنت تقول " يا ولدي، الحب أعظم هبات السماء"

شكرا بلقيس ..... ما عدت أتمنى لقائك

سيدي، ما عدت أتمنى لقائها. بلقيس.

رأيتها تلهو في أشعارك، و تنثر شذاها على أوراقك فتمنيت لقائها.

تمنيت أن التقي بامراءة مثلها. تكون لي كما كانت هي لك. غرت من سعادتك و تمنيت حبها.

تمنيت الدفء و الطمأنينة و راحة القلب بين يديها..

و عشت أحلم بامراة تملأ قلبي بالحب

إمراة تمس روحي بأناملها الرقيقة فتطيب جراحها و تنسيها الآم السنين الماضيات.

ولكني لم أجدها.

ثم قرأت رثاءك لها.

فوجدتني أتساءل من منا الأوفر حظا؟

من قابل بلقيس و عاش أياما من عمره روحا يملؤها حب جارف،

    أم من لم يقابلها و لم يعرف قلبه مرارة الفراق بعد اللقاء؟

من منا الأوفر حظا يا سيدي نزار؟

على يقين من اجابتك. الحب يا ولدي أعظم هبات السماء.

الحب في زمانك مختلف.

كنت شجاعا، قويا، نقيا و لذلك جاء حبك مثل صفاتك. و جاءت بلقيس كما تتمناها.

أما الآن، يا سيدي نزار، فالحب ضعيفا، هشا، تكسره رياح غبية.

و القلوب واهية، ضائعة ما بين حب الذات و حب زائف.

و الروح باتت تائهة .

جربت الحب على طريقتك يا سيدي فما جنيت غير السخرية.

الحب في زماننا تحكمه الأيام و مصير القلوب الحرة هو السجن داخل أسوار عالية

-أسوار صنعها سجان مات قلبه يوم مولده، ما عرف يوما أن بلقيس ملكة حرة، كريمة لا تسجن.

لست أطيق السجن و لا الأسوار العالية.

لست أطيق غباء القلوب و هزال المشاعر من حولي

و لذلك أرجو المعذرة ، سيدي نزار- فلم أعد أتمنى لقائها.

و أما عن مشاعري التي ربيتها، سيدي، فستبقى حرة تنتظر لقاءك.

و دمت لي.

الأمضاء

عاشق تائب

It's ok.......

"it's ok, sweetheart." he whispered in my ear, standing right behind me.
I silently rested my head on his shoulder, and he then put his arms around me, pressing me closer to him.
deep down my heart I knew that it will be ok.everything will be ok.
Amazing, how someone's presense in your life can make you feel secure.for as long as you both shall live.
"thank you, Kareem" is all i could say, looking at him and smiling.

a change in me

since quiet some time i have been experiencing a change that was surprising, even to me.
it is a change in my perception of "words", or let me say love words in specific. be it in a poem or a song, article, book or whatever.
words expressing love or loving feelings have turned to be a sequence of letters forming a word, that has a specific meaning- aiming to touch one's soul/feelings/heart.
they DO have a meaning known to me.
but they don't touch me as before.
very strange feeling.
i still of course love Nizar's poems.
still love Halim's songs
still "sing" to myself often like i used to.
the change i feel is like these words have a meaning that is soooo far away from me.from my soul, heart and even ears.
I love these words because Halim sang them
because Nizar wrote them
I can trace the feeling behind these words and identify what they describe.
but i don't feel them.
as if i have never felt any of these feelings.
as if i am far away from being touched by any of them.
as if i am surrounded with a protecting shell - wathcing "these words" from behind it.

A very strange change, that i am so much welcoming.
The new me is different, yet the same.
I am not making any sense. or maybe I am?

untitled

if you are a passionate person, and can't help but care for others and go an extra mile for a friend's sake
you will be most probably accused of having no self-esteem or pride.
or you will be held as fool
and you will be abused
you will feel drained
you will regret your gesture in 90% of the time
you will have some people talking some sense into your head.
you will have many people questioing your intentions
you will have very very few people believe in you
you will have very very very few people returning your gestures

you dont need to change.
just be grateful for the gift you have.

Was zu tun

Bin so gespannt was passieren wird.ich kann nicht klar denken, und soll auch deshalb keine Entscheidung treffen, bevor ich besser denken kann.
ich bin fuerchterlich aengstlich jetzt, weil ich wie immer denke.wird sich etwas aenderen? bin nicht optimistisch darueber.die aegyptische Natur wird sich nicht aendern.wieso werde ich denn eine Chance haben?
er wird wohl wie alle andere sein.selbe Mentalitaet, Denkart,Gefuehle,etc.
was denn?
Ich moechte nicht denken was passieren wird.ich moechte mich nicht mehr verlieben.
es ist einfach sinnlos jetzt zu beginnen. jetzt heiraten und kinder kriegen? habe keine Energie mehr.
ist es falsh mal egoistisch zu sein? ich moechte leben.reisen,arbeiten,lachen.
moechte jetzt nur mein eigenes Leben haben.genug ist genug.
ich moechte niemanden mehr was geben.nur noch Hebba.
moechte mich nur um mich selbst kuemmern. moechte nur noch meine eigene Gefuehle pampern und mich selbst was geben.
ist es falsch?
vielleicht.aber ich habe keine Energie was anderes zu tun, oder jemanden anderen was zu geben.
ausserdem, wird er-egal wer- mich akzeptieren so wie ich bin?oder soll ich mich veraendern und mich an ihn anpassen?
warum soll ich?
warum soll ich mich um jemanden kuemmern,arbeiten, kinder haben, waehrend er "verheiratet" ist?
was werde ich davon profetieren? was werde ich davon haben?
gesellschaft. aber echte? wird er wirklich meine andere healfte sein? wird er sich um mich kuemmern?
oder beginnt alles wieder von anfang an?
habe keine Lust.
habe Angst
Was zu tun?
bin so durcheinander

ذا كنت تعاني من هذه الأشياء فأنت تحب

عندما نحب
نشعر بأننا خلقنا من جديد و ولدنا من جديد

عندما نحب
تتغير نظرتنا للأشياء و يتغير تفكيرنا في الأشياء و يتغير إحساسنا بالأشياء

عندما نحب
نحلم بصوت مسموع و نشتاق بصوت مسموع

عندما نحب

نحب الليل كثيراً و نحب السهر كثيراً و نحب القمر كثيراً

عندما نحب
يصبح للورد أهمية أكبر و يصبح للبريد أهمية أكبر و يصبح للهاتف أهمية أكبر

عندما نحب
نفهم الحياة أكثر ، نفهم أنفسنا أكثر و نفهم الآخرين أكثر

عندما نحب
نحب بلا حدود و نحلم بلا حدود و نشتاق بلا حدود

عندما نحب
تصبح لدينا هوايات جديدة و إبداعات جديدة و اهتمامات جديدة

عندما نحب
نغيّر عاداتنا السيئة و نغيّر و نغيّر

عندما نحب
نختار عطورنا بدقة و ننتقي ملابسنا بعناية و نطيل الوقوف أمام المرآة

عندما نحب
تتغير أصواتنا و تتغير أذواقنا و تتغير أحلامنا

عندما نحب
نفرح بلا سبب و نبكي بلا سبب و نحزن بلا سبب

عندما نحب
نفكر كثيراّ و نتمنى كثيراّ و نخاف كثيراّ

عندما نحب
نسترجع صورهم و نسترجع أصواتهم و نسترجع مواقفهم معنا

عندما نحب
نكتب الرسائل باهتمام و نتفنن في ترتيب الحروف و نتردد في ترتيب الحروف

عندما نحب
يصبح للكلمة ثقلها و للحظة وزنها و للفرحة طعمها

عندما نحب
نرسم الخطط و نفتعل الصدف و نشكر الظروف

عندما لا نحب

نتمنى أن نحب



A light....

An optimist sees a light , that doesn't exist

A pessimist sees an existing light, 

but doesn't beleive his own eyes

المتفائل يرى ضوءاً غير موجود . . و المتشائم يرى ضوءاً و لا يصدقه.

Roses...

“You can complain because roses have thorns,

or you can rejoice because thorns have roses”

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.

The difference....

"The difference between a successful person

and others is not a lack of strength,

not a lack of knowledge,

but rather in a lack of will."

Before....

“Before you speak, listen.

Before you write, think.

Before you spend, earn.

Before you invest, investigate.

Before you criticize, wait.

Before you pray, forgive.

Before you quit, try.

Before you retire, save.

Before you die, give.”

To dad on his 78th Birthday

Daddy, on your 78th birthday i want to send you a very special message.
special because you are not here to read.
special because I never talked to or with you like that, throughout the years of my life we spent together.
special because for the first time I am sure that it will reach you, no doubt.

You are gone since 4,5 years, but you are still here.home.when i drive.when we visit 3mo wahby.when i have to get the sheep for 3eid el ad7ah. everywhere I see and feel you.
still hear your voice asking me why the hell i don't turn on the car lights, or when you call me from my room to come and join you for dinner, or.... so many memories, moments, events i still remember and carry with me.

Let me start from the beginning.
during my  young years I always wondered why you never attended a parents' meeting.
because you were sure of my performance and i didnt need any looking after me.
true.but i wish you did.maybe to listen to their praising on how good I am.would have made a big difference to you.

also during my young years I always wondered why you don't pick me up on thursday to go visit grandma.
simply because I dont have one.both grandparents have died before I was born.
true.but the surprise itself would have been an event to celebrate.picking me up, I mean.

Never allowed to go to birthday parties of my friends or colleauges, because ya hebba i can not be sure of who will be there.
understood. but i needed to have friends. i never liked the fact that i grow up with no friends at all till my 9th grade at school. felt so lonely.among all types of toys, books, magazines you got me- i felt so lonely.

Never had a real talk together.about any subject.during any of my growing up phases. you are dad and i have to listen to you.you know what's best for me.
I am sure of that. but you have no idea how much i longed to have a talk with you.a real one.not when you are driving, falling asleep or about to go out. i needed you, as father, guide, older friend and a trusted person i can be sure of the sincereity of his advise.

i know you appreciated my strength and my continious support whenever I was needed, for long long years.
i know you appreciated the way your friends and everyone around talked about the "good girl" i am.
i know you appreciated my grades at shcool, college and even when i started my employment.
i know you appreciated me being at home & hospital near your bed during your last days.
But I needed to hear it from you.see it in your eyes, smile, hug or kiss.
unsaid words of appreciation and love kills me.

you know what? when you got ill, I hoped you'd finally stay home for recovery and then i would have all time i want for my postponed talks.when you were tired from chemo, i thought, ma3lesh.tomorrow is another day.i would have the time i need.
even when things got worse, i was the only one who believed in your recovery.and i would still have our time to talk.
when you died, i felt betrayed. sad of course because you are not there.
but betrayed more.
betrayed because i never had the chance to say goodbye.you died all of a sudden, while doctors said you'd be in coma for at least one month.but you were gone only 5 hours after.
betrayed because my dream is stolen and i will never get it back.
betrayed because my long awaited loving, caring and appreciation words will not be said.
betrayed because my dad is gone.no chance to have him back.

now i am stuck between a dream that would never come true- having a talk with my dad
and a deep routed sadness, which i can not deal with, your death.

Daddy, I am sorry for never telling you the above. wallahi i intended to, but you never gave me the chance. here and now i simply needed to tell you this.
I loved you so much, needed you so much, appreciated you so much, appreciated every single small gesture you did to provide me with best education and living standard.

Daddy, I never stopped loving you.never doubted your love too.even when i didnt understand your actions, still a small voice in me whispered: he loves you and wants your best.

I am hugging you very tight now, on your birthday.
your birthday gift is on the way up to you. wait for it. it will be delivered in the morning on a plate of gold carried by an angel.
it has no card, but i am sure you will know it is from me.
kisses and hugs from
Hebba
your oldest daughter.

untitled again

i dont find a title, mabye becasue i can't describe it.
a very strange feeling. mixture of many feelings.
things i want to forget
things i can not forget
moments i love to remember
very painful, countless seconds that have passed, but are never over.
cruel moments followed by friendly care
a bundle i can not handle.
i can not get rid of
i can not deal with.
not with help of my doctor, friends, family or anyone
too harsh on me to deal with
i don't even know where to start.
Ya Allah, you are the only one who can help me through this.

untitled

What does it mean when you "delete" someone's contacts: email, mobile number, home address, private phone, birthday, etc from your records- yet they are still "saved" in a secured area of your heart & mind.

How could someone, who disappeared countless seconds ago, still keep their tender gestures engraved in your heart?

What does it mean?

Just for today

Just for today, hold hands with your soulmate as though you were holding hands for the first time.

Soulmate covers friends, parents, family members, neighbours - anyone you need to express love to.
Never underestimate the power of love. it keeps hearts alive.

Masr

i never asked myself why I love my country. I just found myself loving my life here for the past 35 years, since I was at school and got to learn what home and country means in one's life.
at my german school i got to learn how to love my country and how to keep it at it's best:: serving it, working to make it better, making it part of my personality, part of who I am.

Throughout the past 20 years I lived in Masr believing my happiness is just few steps away, I only have to move towards it to reach it. I never lost hope. was positive that it would come.
one day it would come.
one day I will wake up finding my happiness, my life would settle in a new phase of change, where I would be able to enjoy my life, after long years of working hard to make this happiness.
hard 12 years passed at school with me having good grades.
4 years at colleage, my biggest dream coming closer.
19 years of continous working in corporate life.
when I saw a light, promising me of happiness for as long as I shall live - I was confronted with a truth I didn't pay attention to : You are too old now. You have expired.what you are hoping for now is not made for you.

First time in my life I wanted to leave.
I applied for immigration. Canada, Australia, and New Zealand.
For the first time in my life I didn't find place for me in my home.
I saw it eyes of many Egyptians: I am expired and should leave.
not leave the country, leave life and go else where.
All my applications were refused for officially an unknown reason.
but i knew the reason.
as egyptian citizen I was regarded as someone coming from "third world", most probably won't add value to a developed "first world" country like any of the above.

Today, after the revolution of 25th of January 2011, I am hoping I would have a respected "personality" infront of those governments and would be granted the immigration to any of them.
as much as I am proud of my young people, who lead this revolution,
as much as I am grateful to them to giving me hope of a new life anywhere "outside" my home
as much as it hurts like hell that almost everyone here looks at me as "expired" - when I still could give so much,
I would have loved to live in Masr.

If anyone in Masr reads this, please give others the chance to live.
think twice before hurting someone with this stupied idea of "you are too old". a human being never expires as you think. every person has his/her own value that would to life here.
In your young years don't label others with this ugly judgement "too old to live & to have a dream".
Please.
Thank you for spreading this concept among your "young" friends".

signature
an old lady of 42 years.

Nights in Rodanthe

"She believed that romance and passion were possible at any age, but she'd listened to enough of her friends to know that many relationships ended upbeing more trouble than they were worth.
Adrienne didn't want to settle for a husband like the ones her friends had".

"my dad came to save me......
when things are hard, as they are for me, fall back on the knowledge that not only would he have done the same thing for you that he did for me, but because of you, I was given the chance to get to know and love my dad."

Reading this novel for Nicholas Sparks, i came across a very rare type of love: a love that was born, developed and lasted a lifelong within few days.
A love going so deep into a soul of two persons, changing them, changing the view they saw their lives in, changing their feelings towards their future, keeping them to go on through tough time and for many years after.

it touched me, despite its sad end, in a way I felt this story must be true, none could make such a story. it seemed soo alive and real to me.
I always hoped to find such a love, and wondered if it is better to live a normal life, with no complications in my important areas - or I would appreciate finding a soul-deep love, lasting for some time and cause me a lifelong yearning and a satisfaction as well.
I found myself going for the second option. I am willing to accept a love that would touch my soul, even if it is not meant to be for a life rather than living a complication-less, normal life.
As hard as this choice seems to me, as satisfactory it is for the kind of person I am.
I might not meet this very special someone, however I would still stick to my choice :)

لَا يُكَلِّفُ ٱللَّهُ نَفۡسًا إِلَّا وُسۡعَهَا‌ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتۡ وَعَلَيۡہَا مَا ٱكۡتَسَبَتۡ‌ۗ رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَآ إِن نَّسِينَآ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَا‌ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَيۡنَآ إِصۡرً۬ا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُ ۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ مِن قَبۡلِنَا‌ۚ رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦ‌ۖ وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَآ‌ۚ أَنتَ مَوۡلَٮٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡڪَـٰفِرِينَ
البقرة،٢٨٦

يا الهي دعوتك كما علمتني و كلي أمل في اجابتك

يا الهي تعلم ما في نفسي فأعني عليه، فاني ضعيفة بغير عونك

يا الهي  ان كان هذا قضاؤك فإني راضية، صابرة، محتسبة أجري عندك و لا أبالي

و ان كان بما كسبت يداي، فإنك العادل و لك الحمد و الشكر على عدلك

يا إلهي أنت حسبي ووكيلي و عوني على دنياي، فأعني على ضعف نفسي

يا الهي لا أرجو سواك، فاقبلني فيمن قبلت من عبادك الأوابين

اللهم أنت ربي لا اله الا أنت، خلقتني و أنا عبدك و أنا على عهدك و وعدك ما أستطعت. أعوذ بك من شر ما صنعت و أبوء لك بنعمتك علي و أبوء بذنبي فاغفر لي فانه لا يغفر الذنوب الا أنت

و أخر دعوانا أن الحمد لله رب العالمين و الصلاة و السلام على أشرف المرسلين سيدنا محمد و على آله و صحبه أجمعين

An Mich

Meine liebe Hebba
Hier wende ich mich zum ersten Mal direkt an dich, weil ich dich wirklich liebe.
Hoer mal zu, mein Maedchen.denke darueber nach, und mach dich dann auf den Weg hinaus aus diesem Komplex.
Deine Traeume sind mir auch wichtig. Du darfst sie auf keinem Fall aufgeben. Sie sind einen Teil von dir, von deiner Seele und deinem Dasein.
Aber sie passen leider nicht in diese Welt.Sie sind zu gut, zu reinig, zu menschlich.Niemand wird sie verstehen, und niemend wird es dir erlauben sie zu haben.Sie werden Dir nicht einmal Traeume erlauben.
Dies bedeutet aber nicht dass du keinen recht auf Traeume hast.zum Gegenteil. du bist Mensch, du bist gut, du bist Frau.Du hast RECHT auf Traeume.Nur gebe ich dir einen Tip:versteck deine Traeume ins blaue Box.
Dort sind sie sicher aufbewahrt.Dort kann sie dir niemanden wegnehmen.Dort steckt einen Teil deiner Seele.

Zusammen, Du und ich, werden deine Traeume eins nach dem anderen "sehen", erleben, uns darueber freuen und der Welt sagen "hey, ich bin doch Mensch.Niemand kann mir das wegnehmen"

Freue dich auf diese Episoden.Bringe dadrin alles was dein Herz sich wuenscht. DU BIST DEN WERT.
auch wenn andere dir anders sagen.
Pass auf dich selbst gut auf.
Hebba

A wife's day off

Today is my "day off" from family life.
Kareem will take care of the kids for the next 17 hours, and I am free to go and do whatever I wish.
I wished to just lying lazy anywhere, gazing in nothing, emptying my mind from everything.
I want to do something special. only i don't know what!!!!!
spend the day at the spa.
good idea.
go for a short trip.
sounds fun.
meet with friends over lunch somewhere luxury.
let me think about it.
go get yourself an extraordinary outfit. hasen't Kareem promised to take care of the expenses :))
not in the mood of shopping.
go for a long drive into the desert road, enjoy the empty space and fresh, sandy wind.
hmmm, not bad.

I can't make up my mind for any of these treats. maybe I need someone to take the decision for me.shall i call Kareem? of course not. he won't stop teasing me about it!!!!!

Wowwww.got that wonderful idea. thought about it for couple of minutes and made up my mind.

couple of hours later I was driving into the house entrance, wearing my hair in different coulor and a new haircut. I love the way i look like. somehow i needed the change.
Now, how would they react?

I pushed the door bell, not using my keys, to complete the surprise :)

Adham came running as usual screaming "who is it?" not waiting for a reply rather opening the door immediately :)))
"Mommy" he screamd and throw his arms around my neck. i held him kissing his rosy cheeks.
Kareem and Mariam appeared coming from the kitchen direction, rather not believing what they heard.

"you are early back" said Kareem before noticing my hair. then "wow" escaped his lips followed by a kiss on my cheeks." or you'd change and go out again?"

"No, I am staying. we are baking a family size pizza and watch Dumbo afterwards"
Heeee, poured Adham.Mommy, I will chop tomato and pepper.ok?
"sweetheart, you do me a big big favour and prepare the Dumbo-tape into the DVD. this is very important to me." he was proud of his important role,knowing how much i adore that movie.

Kareem and Mariam followed me to the kitchen. we worked on the pizza for an hour or so, then both of them offered to clean the kitchen.
Adham came running" Mommy, everything is ready. what else?"
"oh, the most important task ever.please taste a bite for me and tell me how it is"
he took a bite, filling his mouth, chewing it slowly "lovely mom. can I have a big slice?"

Everyone got his plate, we sat down in the living room.Adham put the tape into move, smiling at me.
After the movie the kids started their 'going into bed" rituals, then slept.

While I was combing my hair, Kareem asked me "why did you come home so quick? shouldn't you spend the day relaxing?"

I looked up at him, smiling and said what i exactely felt:
"you and the kids are what I really want in this life.when I thought about having fun, the 3 of you popped up in my head, and I smiled finding the answer"

"you know what" he whispered, "I love you so much" and held me very tight.
I closed my eyes, smileing and enjoying the warmth.

Just for today

Just for today: remember me.

Old & new Egyptian National Anthem

i came across these 2 egyptian national anthems used in two different decades of the egyptian history.
hearing them, they awake in me 2 feelings, which i have missed for very long time:
- my old school days, when we used to sing them every morning for "ta7eyat el 3alam"
- my love for my country, where i was born, lived and have so many memories.

the old one used 1923 and 1936



The currently used one

Allah's gift

Today I came across a family, who has been blessed with a mongolian child. the boy is about 17 years old, acting like a child of 3 or 4 years.
as I was looking at them while they walk past me, I found myself praying for them, may Allah give them the strength to cope with him, grant them with power to love him and care for him.
and i also found myself thanking Allah for not putting me in such a harsh situation. I adore children, always wished to have a dozen of my own.But I don't know if i would ever be able to cope with such a child, without me breaking down for seeing my child live this life.
Allahoma lak elhamd.

I also thanked Allah for giving me a healthy nephew. it is one of his gifts and blessings I would never be able to thank him enough for it.
Allahoma lak elhamd.

Today I saw with my own eyes the meaning of "be greatful for what you have and what is kept away from you".
Allahoma lak elhamd

Dreams...

If you want to remain always happy,
Always perfect and always fulfilled,
Then always keep inside your heart
A pocketful of sweet dreams.
Sri Chinmoy
Indian Philosopher and Teacher

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge. That myth is more potent than history. That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death.
Robert Fulghum

I prefer to be a dreamer among the humblest, with visions to be realized, than lord among those without dreams and desires.
Kahlil Gibran

There will always be dreams grander or humbler than your own, but there will never be a dream exactly like your own...For you are unique and more wondrous than you know!
Linda Staten

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
Dale E. Turner

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Only as high as I reach can I grow,
Only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see,
Only as much as I dream can I be.
Karen Ravn

A man's dreams are an index to his greatness.
Zadok Rabinwitz

Believe in love. Believe in magic. Believe in Santa Claus. Believe in others. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. If you don't, who will?
Jon Bon Jovi

Wooden Bowls

when i first read this story, it made me cry.it reminded me of my father at his last days, when he couldn't hold anything.
then i smiled, remembering his warm smile when we came for help.
he was such a tough patient, however he heartly enjoyed the intensive attention of his 4 ladies :)

A frail old man lived with his son, his daughter-in-law, and his four-year-old grandson. His eyes were blurry, his hands trembled, and his step faltered.
The family would eat together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon, drooping to the floor. When he grasped his glass of milk, it often spilled clumsily at the tablecloth.

With this happening almost every night, the son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
"We must do something about grandfather," said the son.
"I've had enough of his milk spilling, noisy eating and food on the floor," the daughter-in-law agreed.
So the couple set a small table at the corner.

There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinner at the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in wooden bowls. Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather's direction, he had a tear in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening, before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly: "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy replied, "Oh, I'm making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

These words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears streamed down their cheeks. Though no words were spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening, the husband took grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days, grandfather ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk was spilled or the table cloth was soiled.

With very special thanks to our friend Catherine Cruz for sharing this story with us.

جُبنٌ ألا تختاري

إني خيرتُكِ فاختاري
ما بينَ الموتِ على صدري أو فوقَ دفاترِ أشعاري
إختاري الحبَّ.. أو اللاحبَّ  فجُبنٌ ألا تختاري
لا توجدُ منطقةٌ وسطى  ما بينَ الجنّةِ والنار
إرمي أوراقكِ كاملةً وسأرضى عن أيِّ قرارِ
قولي. إنفعلي. إنفجري  لا تقفي مثلَ المسمار
لا يمكنُ أن أبقى أبداً  كالقشّةِ تحتَ الأمطارِ
إختاري قدراً بين اثنينِ وما أعنفَها أقداري..

مُرهقةٌ أنتِ.. وخائفةٌ وطويلٌ جداً.. مشواري
غوصي في البحرِ.. أو ابتعدي ..لا بحرٌ من غيرِ دوارِ..
الحبُّ مواجهةٌ كبرى إبحارٌ ضدَّ التيارِ
صَلبٌ.. وعذابٌ.. ودموعٌ ورحيلٌ بينَ الأقمارِ

يقتُلني جبنُكِ يا امرأة تتسلى من خلفِ ستارِ
إني لا أؤمنُ في حب لا يحملُ نزقَ الثوار
لا يكسرُ كلَّ الأسوارِ لا يضربُ مثلَ الإعصارِ..
آهٍ.. لو حبُّكِ يبلعُني ...يقلعُني.. مثلَ الإعصارِ..

إنّي خيرتك.. فاختاري
ما بينَ الموتِ على صدري أو فوقَ دفاترِ أشعاري
لا توجدُ منطقةٌ وسطى  ما بينَ الجنّةِ والنّارِ

beautiful dream

Last night i had a dream of you. it's been quite some time since i had you in my dreams.
it was a beautiful one. just like all other dreams. just like you.
You were there, talking to me, we were laughing and singing and walking together.
your eyes are still the same as i remember them, shining with enthusiasm, smiling at me, clear, brown, transparent-showing me your soul. i still remeber your laughter when i first told you how i see your eyes. you laughed loud and kept teasing me till i got mad at you.
you were there.everything i remember of you. your hands, watch, clothes, fragrance, your "self", the way "you" are. everything about you is just the very same.
you were real. you were talking to me. i still hear your voice.still hear the words you were saying.
in my dream you were exactely how i remember you. your soul.
you were that tender, warm and caring person ou used to be with me. that never changes.
i never understood how others could accuse you of being heartless.
you were that little boy i always saw popping out of your eyes, teasing me in the most childish yet funny way i could ever see.
in my dream you were my shield, just like old days.i never knew any fear when you were at my side.my only fear was not loving you enough.
the memory of you is still so vivid. are you really gone?
when i woke up this morning, i could feel your breaths around me.

I stopped counting time, since we last talked. I don't know anymore how long you have been gone. and i don't care about time passing anyway.

I know you didn't forget me, because i never did. i never questioned your feelings as much as you trusted mine. we didnt really talk but both of us knew exactely what we mean to eachother.no words needed.
I know you still listen to that song.just like I do.
and I know you still wear blue. just like I do.
and i know you still work hard and long until you drop asleep anywhere, just like you know i never complained from you being busy.
i know how important your business is to you, just like you know how proud i am of you.

I know you will never read those words. I never told you about this blog.
I know that if you got to read my words one day, you will know that it is you.

I am waiting for you in the next dream.just don't stay away very long.