Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I am sorry

I want to apologize to you for the pain i caused you.
i have been stupid as usual, and did the mistake that hurt you.

i am sorry, i shouldn't have tried to keep you alive. it was far more better to let you die and save you this pain over the years.
you were right every time you screamed at me to let you go, leave this world and go. and i was stupid and blind. stupid to acknowledge that you don't belong here and blind to see what was around me.
you are different than all around you, i should have foreseen the hell you'd be going through if you stayed. but i was blind. my only excuse is i wanted you to be happy. i had the hope that one day you will be rewarded and finally find your happiness.
i am sorry. i shouldn't have put you through this. i should have let you go. i should have listened to reason.
I cant turn back the clock to save you from all the pain you have gone through, but all i can do is to let you die, hoping you'd rest in peace.

you are free to go now, i wont hold you.

i will not stop you from dieing.

you have been very dear to me,

please forgive me before you die- my heart.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

avoid temptation or follow your heart?

follow your heart or avoid temptation?

clear steps following a clear path, arriving at the clear end

or follow laughter i hear to get me to the happiness i wish and know it exists.

following the first process will get one to a reasonable and clear destination. it sound cold to my ears. don't know why.

following the second process promises warmth and laughter. needs more effort, includes a high risk factor, destination is not clear.

but at end of the road, there might be a great prize waiting for me to grab: my everlasting happiness.

life or death? coldness or warmth? cool and calculated steps or following the sun rise leading my steps?

tried to die, tried the coldness with some very thick clothes on me, tried the calculated steps and got where i was promised - only to find that in the procedure i have lost myself.

i tried to live, let warmth from inside shining to the outside world. listened to my heart for it was crying to act fast before the icing hand kills it.

i am not sure if i will survive the coming weeks, but i am happy that i have put all effort i could afford. i have tried to break a thick stone hard wall using all resources i had.

the wall was shaking, but i am not sure it will fall and i will be able to walk in the palace.

ya rab, i have done all i can. if its not meant to be- ana radiah :)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

to my lady friends

looks like today is the friends day. i have been writing this post for few days now, but didnt finish it. now i am doing it.

to my lady firends, those who have shown extreme courage and were 3x brave: working, single, moms. those who have decided to raise their children on their own, taking up the challange of such a stupid society like ours- to give their children a stable and healthy environment to live in.

i never told you, although i know you all for quiet long now. dont know why i never told you, but today is the time.

i want you to know that i so much appreciate having someone of your brave character and stong, kind persons as my friend. you are exceptionally good. maybe the little champs you raise wouldnt recognize this kind doings from you until they grow up and are moms/dads themselves.

but i see this value and loved sharing it with you.

everytime we talked, you always ended the call saying thank you hebba for listening. i needed to talk.

what i never got the chance to tell you is that i NEEDED to listen. you gave me the chance to share your troubles and listen to whatever you had to say. this is a blessing.

i am honoured to be your friend, the one you trust, call and talk to when u felt lonely and things got tough. as much as i hated seeing you unhappy, as much as i loved you for who you are.

you are very good, brave, kind and honest persons. i couldnever ask for better friends.

ya set Om Gogo: i still remember gogo's 1st birhtday. i was invited but never made it. inshaa Allah i will attend the big celebration of his 21st. and give him that kiss i wished to.

i know he will hate me and turn all red. :)))

ladies, begad, whatever i say is not enough to tell you how much i appreciate having you. how much i love you and how much i am proud to be your friends.

dont you ever thank me at end of any call or outings. its my pleasure.

sorry this thank you came some years delayed. i always had it in my heart, now you know it :)))

love you all.


yes, its a bright wide smile.
my friend has just recovered from a very painful and struggeling phase.
i was scared about her. she was transformed to a completely different person than who she is. today she has found herself back.
today she had a long, sad path behind her and had regained her spirit i adored about her. it was hidden under tons of stress and sadness. and what really hurt me, was that i was helpless. there was nothing i could do to help her out. i tried reaching out to her, but she didnt even see my hand.
i am happy i have her back. the battle might not came to an end yet, but today she has "seen" me next to her. she knows now that i am there.

dearest of all, i am happy you found your soul. i am there and will be till you "kick me out" if you wish to. but not before i see you happy and smiling again.
this is my promise to you.

Monday, January 18, 2010

An angel just left the earth

I just heard the news today, Karim has died at dawn of 3rd day Eid Al Aldha.
i never met him, although i know him for years now, through a common friend.
he was a lovely teenager. such a wonderful spirit, loves life, enjoyes everything new, enjoyes being updated in as many fields as possible.
i kept remembering him today, how happy he was when he got his first play station, hsi new mp3, how he kept loosing his mobile set and feared telling, how he enjoyed the new clothes and the perfumes.
he loved everything about this life, even his mother who dumped him to live at an orphanage, who visited only to take whatever money he had.
he loved our common friend and enjoyed teasing him, he loved music and quran and lectures he heared.
karim was completely dependant on his electric wheelchair. only his fingers were moving, but he was the most brave and life accepting soul i have ever met.
he never complained about being hurt, his things stolen, his food stolen. i still remember how my friend was telling me about his funny, accepting spirit.

many times i wished to visit, but didnt have the courage to go. somehow i felt karim was my own child, and i could never handle the pain of seeing him like that. i didnt want him to see my tears or my weakness, for he was much stronger and braver than me.
few times i talked to him over phone, hiding behind the phone was easy for me to let my tears flow. a sick child is always my weakpoint. i cant cope with that. i always feared having a sick child.
Karim, I am sorry for never coming to visit. i couldnt cope with your brave spirit. i couldnt face you.
i never meant to ignore you, or treat you as just a "case"- for you were never a normal "case"for me.
i am proud to have known someone like you. brave and life accepting.

my dear child, you have left this world at a very critical time for me. i so much needed your prayers.

ya rab, i so much loved him, but i was too weak to show him this love in a proper way.
ya rab, you have just taken this angel to your heavan, please grant me with another one.

To my friend karim M
thank you for accepting my weakness and taking over my part. i could never pay you back this favour. both of us loved karim as if he was our own child, but you- my friend- have taken over the whole responsibility.
thank you for understanding that i couldnt face him, thank you for understanding how weak my heart was and never pushing me to go visit.
tahnk you for your kindness towards both of us.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Balqais, Gihane, Mumtaz Mahal or XYZ?

Sometimes we hear the story of a man or a woman who lost his /her soul mate/partner/husband/wife and was never able to commit again. Not any kind of commitment, not a new love, marriage or even dating. Loss of this partner means end of life to the living partner. The so called “one-woman-man”
This kind of love is beautiful, very deep, very special, very dear, very rare, very precious, very fulfilling, very consuming of one’s soul - but also very painful.

Nizar Qabbany never really got over the death of his wife Balqais, lived 17 years lonely in London till he died, still loving her, cherishing their memories and never able to mention her name without tears filling his eyes.”Balqais” one of his most beautiful poems, telling how deep his love to her is rooted in his soul, how empty his soul is after her death:
لا تتغيَّبِي عنّي
فإنَّ الشمسَ بعدكِ
لا تُضيء على السواحِلْ . .
بلقيسُ ..
كيف أخذتِ أيَّامي .. وأحلامي ..
وألغيتِ الحدائقَ والفُصُولْ ..
يا زوجتي ..
وحبيبتي .. وقصيدتي .. وضياءَ عيني ..
قد كنتِ عصفوري الجميلَ ..
فكيف هربتِ يا بلقيسُ منّي ؟..
نامي بحفْظِ اللهِ .. أيَّتُها الجميلَةْ
فالشِّعْرُ بَعْدَكِ مُسْتَحِيلٌ ..
والأُنُوثَةُ مُسْتَحِيلَةْ

"جيجي، كلما غنيت من بعدك ، أبكاني غنائي"
Words found in Halim’s diary, to the only woman he truly loved in his life and actually proposed to, but never married, for she died after a short serious illness.
He never got over her death, never loved any other woman. rumours about his marriage were answered by a sad statement “my heart is buried with her”
he kept her identity for as long as he lived to protect her name and memory. Her name is known through his writings about her and to her.

Taj Mahal or "Crown Palace" – expressing the deep love and pain of Shah Jahan for the loss of his wife Mumtaz Mahal. it is "Not a piece of architecture, as other buildings are, but the proud passions of an emperor’s love wrought in living stones." It is a celebration of woman built in marble and that’s the way to appreciate it."

My question is:
Would you choose to live such a deep, everlasting love story for as long as you shall live, with one single person, never loving someone else if s/he is gone?
Or rather live a normal up & down life with pleasure and sorrow, love or not, with one or more partner?

Would you choose to be Balqais, Gihane, Mumtaz Mahal, Nizar, Halim, or XYZ?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

آمآكن رآئعه و لكنهآ مؤلمه

۞أماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتشم بها رائحه ماضيــــــــــك

فكأنها تعيد الزمن اليك بطقوسه بسويعاته بذكرياته

بأناس قاسموك يوما كل شيء حتى انفاسك

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فترى بها ملامح طفولتك

تلمح بها رفاقك الذين كبروا

تنقب عن آثار براءتك عليها

تتبع خطوات شقاوتك على ارضها وتبتسم بمرارةوتردد ((ليتنا لم نكبر

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتفتح لك دفاترك المغلقه

تستعرض امامك صفحاتك القديمه

تعيد اليك ما القيت به في خزانه الذاكرة معتمدا

وتمنيت مع زحمه الايام ان تنساه

وتعلقت بطوق النسيان في بحرالحياه كالغريق ولم تنسه

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتكشف لك جرحك المستور

ويعتري أمامك جسد الذكرى المغطى برداء النسيــــــــــان

وتأتي اليك بارواح

لوحت لها يوما مودعاولوحت لك باكيـــــــــــــه

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتطفىء صفحاتك البيضـــــــــــاءالتي تفننت في زخرفتها

وتنقيتهاوتستعرض امامك صفحات سوداءتفننت في الهروب منها..

وحاولت جاهدا مسحها من ذاكرة تاريخك متناسيا ان ذاكرة الاماكن لاتنسى ابدا

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتناديك طرقاتها فيخيل إليك إنك تسمع أصوات أصحابها

الذين كانواتلتفت حولك وخلفك مرتعبا

فلا تلمح سوى بقايا تنبض بروح الامس وكأنهم ماكانوا

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتتمنى أن تختفـــــي من فوق الأرض

وان يتم مسح تضاريســـــها تماما

فعليها فقدت الكثير من نفسك وعليها نحرت الكثير من قيمك

وعليها كانت البشاعه عنوان لـ إنسانيتك وعليها كنت انت ليس انت

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتغمض عينيك أمامها ألما

فهذه الأماكـــــــــــــــــن كانت يوما تعني لك الكثير

أحتوت احلامك في مهدها كالام وربتت على حزن أيامك كالوطن

وسترت مشاعرك ومنحتك الفرح والأمان بلاحـــــــدود

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فتشعر بالغصه تتسلل الى اعماقك

وتشعر بالمرارة تستقر في فمك

فهنا احببت يوما وهنا كان لقاؤك الاول يوما

وهنا كان انكسارك الاول يوما

۞ وأماكـــــــــــن تمر بها ۞

فينحرك المرور بها نحرا

فهنا كنت أجمــــــــــل

هنا كنت أصغــــــــــر

هنا كنت أنقـــــــــى

هنا كنت أصــــــــدق

وهنا كنت أطهـــــــر

فتعود منها محملا بكل الأشيـــــــــــــاء

الا نفســــــــــــــك

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Onkel Bernd

My first post goes to Herrn Bernhard Paul Schmidt, born on 24th September 1938 in a small town called Oberglogau, Poland.
Living in Hamburg/Germany, father of 3 kids and grandfather of 9 grand children, uncle of thousands of boys and girls, who live around the globe and never forgot him.
His huge blue eyes always shine with a very special kindness touching one’s heart forever.
The kindness of giving to, loving of and caring for any creature, starting from the plants in his house/apartment, family, neighbours, friends, students, tea-man at school, lonely receptionist lady, up to the elegant School Head.
The kind smile in his eyes helps anyone overcome all barriers and you cant help but instantly smile back fully trusting this tall man in front of you.

He taught me that kindness is a very special gift, not everyone has. Whoever has it, should never let it die, should never block it from others, should never hesitate to share with all around him- for a man without giving those kind actions isn’t worth called “human”.

Onkel Bernd,
Thank you for your support getting A remarks in my research in 12S
Thank you for never missing my birthday since we met. It was a very special birthday gift coming from far away.
Thank you for guiding me through the darkest moments of my life.
Thank you for believing in me all those years. If it wasn’t for you, I might not have made it.
Thank you for never ever ignoring any of my letters, putting much effort to get them to post office before it closed at 18.00 o’clock.
Thank you for teaching me the value of sharing, by taking a cube of my chocolate and a bite of my apple, then smilingly saying “it tastes wonderful”.
Thank you for giving me credit, when you proudly said the first Arabic sentence I taught you” ana modares fi madrasah alemany, we atkalem shewayah arabi”.
Thank you for keeping up with my fiery, stormy nature, telling me to keep it, to be who I am, for this is ME.
Thank you for not ignoring my feelings, no matters how stupid, lousy or unpredictable I was.
Thank you for driving me home after each excursion or class party.
Thank you for photocopying the history booklet from Riham el Ezaby, when I lost mine only 3 days before end year’s exam.
Thank you for patiently listening to me when I needed to talk, advising, and soothing my fears.
Thank you for the kind words “och, my girl, I am so proud of who you are” after long years of struggling to overcome many barriers.
Thank you for calling me “ Kaninchen” (rabbit ya3ni we mesh 3ayzah tarya2ah) it always put a wide smile on my face.
Thank you for the kindness you gave since September 1982 till just an hour ago.

Thank you for who I am. Without you, I wouldn’t have ever made it.

I never forgot my promise and I am working hard to keep you proud of your “Kaninchen” .

I will always be grateful for what you gave me.