Monday, April 18, 2011

It's ok.......

"it's ok, sweetheart." he whispered in my ear, standing right behind me.
I silently rested my head on his shoulder, and he then put his arms around me, pressing me closer to him.
deep down my heart I knew that it will be ok.everything will be ok.
Amazing, how someone's presense in your life can make you feel secure.for as long as you both shall live.
"thank you, Kareem" is all i could say, looking at him and smiling.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

a change in me

since quiet some time i have been experiencing a change that was surprising, even to me.
it is a change in my perception of "words", or let me say love words in specific. be it in a poem or a song, article, book or whatever.
words expressing love or loving feelings have turned to be a sequence of letters forming a word, that has a specific meaning- aiming to touch one's soul/feelings/heart.
they DO have a meaning known to me.
but they don't touch me as before.
very strange feeling.
i still of course love Nizar's poems.
still love Halim's songs
still "sing" to myself often like i used to.
the change i feel is like these words have a meaning that is soooo far away from me.from my soul, heart and even ears.
I love these words because Halim sang them
because Nizar wrote them
I can trace the feeling behind these words and identify what they describe.
but i don't feel them.
as if i have never felt any of these feelings.
as if i am far away from being touched by any of them.
as if i am surrounded with a protecting shell - wathcing "these words" from behind it.

A very strange change, that i am so much welcoming.
The new me is different, yet the same.
I am not making any sense. or maybe I am?

Monday, April 4, 2011


if you are a passionate person, and can't help but care for others and go an extra mile for a friend's sake
you will be most probably accused of having no self-esteem or pride.
or you will be held as fool
and you will be abused
you will feel drained
you will regret your gesture in 90% of the time
you will have some people talking some sense into your head.
you will have many people questioing your intentions
you will have very very few people believe in you
you will have very very very few people returning your gestures

you dont need to change.
just be grateful for the gift you have.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Was zu tun

Bin so gespannt was passieren wird.ich kann nicht klar denken, und soll auch deshalb keine Entscheidung treffen, bevor ich besser denken kann.
ich bin fuerchterlich aengstlich jetzt, weil ich wie immer denke.wird sich etwas aenderen? bin nicht optimistisch darueber.die aegyptische Natur wird sich nicht aendern.wieso werde ich denn eine Chance haben?
er wird wohl wie alle andere sein.selbe Mentalitaet, Denkart,Gefuehle,etc.
was denn?
Ich moechte nicht denken was passieren wird.ich moechte mich nicht mehr verlieben.
es ist einfach sinnlos jetzt zu beginnen. jetzt heiraten und kinder kriegen? habe keine Energie mehr.
ist es falsh mal egoistisch zu sein? ich moechte,arbeiten,lachen.
moechte jetzt nur mein eigenes Leben haben.genug ist genug.
ich moechte niemanden mehr was geben.nur noch Hebba.
moechte mich nur um mich selbst kuemmern. moechte nur noch meine eigene Gefuehle pampern und mich selbst was geben.
ist es falsch?
vielleicht.aber ich habe keine Energie was anderes zu tun, oder jemanden anderen was zu geben.
ausserdem, wird er-egal wer- mich akzeptieren so wie ich bin?oder soll ich mich veraendern und mich an ihn anpassen?
warum soll ich?
warum soll ich mich um jemanden kuemmern,arbeiten, kinder haben, waehrend er "verheiratet" ist?
was werde ich davon profetieren? was werde ich davon haben?
gesellschaft. aber echte? wird er wirklich meine andere healfte sein? wird er sich um mich kuemmern?
oder beginnt alles wieder von anfang an?
habe keine Lust.
habe Angst
Was zu tun?
bin so durcheinander