Monday, May 31, 2010

A lovely morning

I was sleeping tight, when i felt a slight push against me, and the little figure was lying just at the edge of the bed- about to fall down.
i moved to the inner side of the bed, and hold him.
"what's worng Adham?"
"momy, i can't sleep"
"but you were already asleep long time ago, sweetheart"
"now i can't. can i sleep here?"
"yes, love"
i held him tight, hoping he would get back to sleep.
in few seconds he fell asleep, resting his head on my shoulder and his little arm across my stomach.
i couldn't help it: i gave him a long kiss on his forehead. it feels so warm to hold him so close. it's been long time since he slept in my arms.

i was careful not to make big moves or noise, for not to wake Kareem up. he has a long day at office tomorrow. all his days are long at office.
so i moved very slowly towards the bed center, just to give our son some space to sleep. otherwise if he turns arround he would just fall from the bed.

A warm, tender arm pulled me to the inner side of the bed. Kareems arm pulled us together towards him. he woke up, afterall.
"sorry, love" i whispered.
he didn't reply. just pulled us closer, put his arm across me and reaching to Adham- pulling both of us into a big, tight hug.
it feels so good. warm, tender and secure. God, how much i love him :)
in seconds i was asleep myself.

I woke up as Kareem was about to stand up.
"Lovely morning sweetheart" he kissed my forehead and stood up.

This IS a lovely morning.
what could i possibly want more than his love as a morning gift?

Sunday, May 30, 2010

to my yesterday

you are gone, and I don't want you back.
you have taken away so much from me. I dont want to give you more.
i dont want to think about you.
i won't give up my today or my tomorrow for you.
i won't invest in you- i won't waste anything else on you.
i lost my investments i made in you. i don't regret them, because these losses have taught me an important lesson.
but i dont want you back.
i will forget about you. i will wake up one day forgetting you exist. i will wake up one day not caring about you.
you were a bad day in my life, so far i know. so far i can see. i still think about you, anaylse what went wrong- but one thing i know: i dont want you back.
you are history, and history doesnt come back.
stay in history, dont come back to darken my future.
i want to forget about you.
you were a bad day in my life. i will not keep you in my memory.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

2nd new start in one day

I feel very weired, tired, and suffer from allergy- but restless enough not to sleep.
this is my 2nd start today at the blog, I managed to move the blog to its new space, and managed to recover the "old new" look of it as well.

I dont know why I am writing this, but i just felt like wanting to share that I managed to finally control my accounts.
my new email is working. not properly as i wished, but it is working and will -hopefully- remain like that.
my blog is under MY control- so none would publish anything under my name.
hopefully all my friends, colleagues and family are informed that i am fine, nothing happened to my cousine, and it's all a lie.
i got myself a new facebook account, sent messages and requests to all my old list-hopefully none else would get harmed from this hacker.

Guess i can sleep now. what is mostly disturbing me is this allergy i got. dont know why. red spots all over my body and face.
but it was a successful day- elhamdollah

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

New start.....

this is my first post since i lost access to my email.
i started creating everything from scartch, which is fine. I am experienced in this. :))))
just created a new facebook account, sent notifications via SMS to my friends, and changed passwords to all accounts i remember having.
other things are just ....gone.
I am not sure for how long i will keep my access to this blog, as the hacker keeps tracing all my moves.
but if i loose it, then i will create a new one, with the same name, objective, spirit and hope.
at the end, i am still there- what is lost is just a part of me.
i dont know from where i get this calmness i am writing with now. maybe i am tired of aching for what i lost, maybe its build in me- the hope- i don't know.
whenever i loose access here, I will comment on any of the old posts with the link to my new blog.
until then, let's hope for the best. :)

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'll Paint You A Rainbow

I came across this poem at a website, liked it so much and wanted to share with you all.
To you all my dear friends, I'll paint you a rainbow whenever you need one.
this is my promise to you :)))))
enjoy the poem

I'll Paint You A Rainbow
Grace E. Easley

I'll paint you a rainbow to hang on the wall,
to brighten your heart when the gray shadows fall.
On a canvas of joy outlasting the years,
with a soft brush of sweetness to dry all your tears.
I'll paint you a rainbow with colors of smiles
That glow with sincerity over the miles.
On a palette of words I will tenderly blend
Tones into treasures of sunlight and wind.
I'll paint you a rainbow that reaches so wide,

Your sights and your sorrows will vanish inside,
And deep in the center of each different hue,
A memory fashioned especially for you.
So lift up your eyes, for suspended above,
A rainbow designed by the fingers of love...

A water bottle

As summer is slowly approaching us and temperature would be rising during the coming weeks, I would like to share with you all a small action of kindness, to start our day with.

Every night before you go to bed put a bottle of water in your freezer -to turn into ice bottle- to take with you early next morning on your way to work.
On your way, give the water bottle to any of our traffic-soldiers, street cleaners, freelance sellers or street children.
During the day as it gets hot, the ice would melt and offer those who have it a cold zip of water.
you can not imagine how heavenly this small zip of water tastes in a temperature of 40+ C, and the relief you could be giving to them.

Simple, small kind action that won't cost you anything but some minor effort and thinking of others.

The credit of this kind action goes to my dear friend Shady Eneim.
Thank you Shady :)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Loss, gain or a new start?

my hotmail account was hacked, and due to that i lost my contacts' list, my account, which i have created about 14 years ago.and all related accounts as well, such as the Facebook account, for example.

i have saved on that account many things over my past years, pictures, correspondences, contacts, files and so many things, which meant so much to me.
the past year alone i saved on that account so many things, which meant much to me. i didnt want to save them over my heard disk, flash memory or even CD- fearing they could get defected.
what i could trust was that space online, it cant get lost, and none has access to it but me.

Today they are all gone. i dont know if i will be able to access this account again, with what it had, or everything is just lost.
is it a loss, or is it a gain? I am gaining my freedom again, after being addicted to some things, which might not be as valuable as i thought?

if this is a sign for me to let go of many things i held dear to me, if this means they are not as preacious as i thought, and i was just putting in too much effort and value than they really are worth- then so be it.

I am letting go of things i thought were precious, and wanted to keep them forever.
there is no forever anyway.

I have to create a new account now, not sure over hotmail or will stick to my gmail and that's it.

Ya rab, i accept your judge and see your sign. Please help me through this. you are all i have.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Love Book

This post is a special dedication to my new friend Cindy.
Cindy, i hope you have found your peace of mind :)

We all heard more than once wise words telling us, we should love ourselves, if we want to start loving someone else.
Often we do not listen to someone telling us how good we are, how much they appreciate our existence, how much they love and cherish us. We simply do not pay attention to it.
Praise of others strengthens our self confidence, keep us going through hard times, and makes us always want to be better and better- to deserve this praise forever.

Many of us did not have the chance to develop a strong, positive and healthy Ego -as adolescences- because they never had (or at least not enough) positive experience, which allowed their ego to grow in a healthy way.
We did not get to hear, that we are loved.

"I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear."

— George Eliot

Now, as we have grown up, we often run after someone's trust, love and acceptance.
We often run after social and self- security and we still wish to one day get to hear that there is someone out there, who really loves us.

While we are in such a process, to look after love, social and self-acceptance, we often don’t realize how someone, very close to us, is in desperate need to hear that we truly love and cherish them.
There is no better time than this very same second, to tell those you love, that you truly love them.
no need to wait any longer.

Translated into English from the German version of "The Love Book"
Birthday gift from Bernd Schmidt, 1986.

Be human

There is nothing wrong to be kind. in words or actions.
be kind with those who can do you absolutely no good.
be kind with those who are weak.
be kind when you scream at someone for a mistake he did.
be kind when you punish someone, it's ok to make mistakes.
be kind when you can't forgive someone- dont kill him. he is only human.
be kind when you spread seeds today, they will be the harvest you have tomorrow.
be kind to your soul, dont turn it to an ugly soul
be kind to flowers, they will -gladly- give you their odeur.
be kind to your house, it will offer you the warmth you need in a shelter.
be kind to the sun, moon and stars. they will shine better when you do.
be kind to yourself. you deserve it.

be human

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

a day in my life....

"Muuuummmmmyyyyy" shouts Adham as soon as enters the house. I heard the bus stopping at the house entrance and watched as 3am hussein opened the gate and let the kids in.
"welcome home ya 7abibi. I am in the kitchen" don't want them to come in here, so I hurried to the hall, before they make it to the kitchen.

Adham, 7, dragging his school bag behind him as he walks, while Mariam 4,-Kareem insisted on calling our daughter after me- just dropped her lunch box on the floor.
as soon as i appeared in the hall, they ran to hold me. I opened my arms and held both of them at one big tight hug, giving each of them a kiss- and receiving theirs as well. Mariam didn't wash her mouth after eating her chocolate. she smells after it. not that I mind. she inherited being a chocoholic from me :).

"All right, up to your room. get your bags and move."
they did as told with very slowly moves, maybe I would just let them have lunch without taking a bath????
Their nanny would give them their bath and they will come down as soon as they finish. their lunch is ready anyway. i got back to the kitchen. missing is only the salad. I won't add the dressing to it now.

Kareem left office 20 minutes ago. everything is in oven heating up, salad is finished, table is ready. missing is only the house mister.
here he is. I hear him driving in, and hurried again to the door.
since his first working day after our honeymoon I made it a habit to welcome Kareem home with a hug. no matters who is there, what i am doing, this is my first priority. when he joked about it, i teased him back " i want you to throw all stress, pain and tiredness at my shoulder as soon as you get home". I dont hug him, I literally take him into my arms and let him rest his head on my shoulder for a minute. longer if needed, as long as he needs. I see -from his smile - how much he is relieved afterwards.

"I am starvingggggggg"
"Dinner is ready, sir. waiting for you"
"just a shower and i am eating all what you cooked"

10 minutes later he appears at the dinning room, grabs a piece of Sambousak with his fingers, ate it and licked his fingers!!!!!!
I said nothing, for not to drag the attention of 2 pairs of eyes going big and round, watching what daddy does.
Adham started his daily reports about school, Mariam plappered some things too, while Kareem listend half-heartedly. he looks so tired and hungry. most probably he forgot to eat his apples and left them at the office' fridge.

Mummy, could I have a fruits yoghurt instead of the plain one?
sure, sweetheart.
Mummy, could I have jam added to mine? Mariam inherited this part from me too. I can't object.
7ader 7abibty.
I am back with the yoghurts, they took it and ran off to their father's office. knocking of course, but not waiting for his permission :)).. this is HIS part in them. he cant complain about that.
I hear the three of them chattering at same time. how do they understand each other????
as long as they laugh, its fine with me anyway.

"bed time" they all went silent. Kareem looked up at me with this look in his eyes cant-they-stay-longer?
you have 15 minutes to give daddy his good-night kiss and come up."
they all hate me. well, i hate myself too. i love having them arround, with all noise and demands. but, we just have to.....

story finished, both are tucked into their beds, time for mummy's hug and kiss. how much i love this moment. when i hold them close to my heart. when i feel their heart beat and warmth. when i see their smiling sleepy eyes, fighting for not to close and drop in a deep sleep.
Adham and Mariam have inherited this life-loving spirit from Kareem. I smile to myself. wasn't this spirit the first thing that attracted me to him?

I went downstaris to check after Kareem. sitting on the living room couch, i found him starring at the TV. aaaahhhh, another action movie. ok, then i will read in my book. only, i hoped for his company.
bas ma3lesh, he needs some relaxation afterall.
how can anyone relax watching an action movie? wenty malek ya ghelsah :))))

as he noticed me approaching, he pulled me to the sofa " see this". i looked at the screen. eih dah, its not action. its "you've got mail".
i gave him a what-is-wrong-with-you look.
he pulled me closer to him saying " i want to spend some quality time with you. so i decided to pick up a temptation you will never reject"
we watched the movie, curled up on the couch- not saying much. Kareem held me tight the whole time. i didnt move out of his arms. not for a second. too comfortable to move.

"thank you"
"for what 7abibty?"
"for your love, the hug, the movie and the quality time"
"you know what, all pleasure is mine. It is a pleasure loving you"

ya rab, el7amdullah 3ala ne3metak :)

Friday, May 14, 2010


Lately i have been feeling trapped, living in Egypt and was taking serious steps towards moving out.
What i am in now is more than trapped, i feel prisoned.
literally prisoned.
I am not allowed to travel and live on my own, because of religious rules- which i obey of course.

it is not Egypt anymore, from which i want to run away.
after some thinking, i could identify what i am feeling: i feel prisoned.
Literally prisoned
prisoned in a society, which rejects me
prisoned between people, who i can not communicate with
prisoned in a role, which i can not fulfill
prisoned in a thinking way, which i have to follow- or i am considered as insane.
prisoned in a feeling way, which i have to follow- or i am considered as weired and usually blamed for it.
prisoned in a life style, which i hate
prisoned in a crowded city
prisoned in a gender, which has no value after certain age.
prisoned in a weakness, which everybody abuses to kill me
prisoned in a materialistic figure called "Hebba", to which i can not relate.

Ya Allah, I can not go on like this. I need your help and guidance. I cant find my path anymore, I cant take cruelity of people any longer, I cant live in this world without your help.
I have none else but you to turn to, who would help me through this.

Ya Allah, save my soul and er7amny bera7metak ya kareem.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


If i am cruel, I will live.
If i am bad, i might survive
If i am human, i will die.
what is wrong with being human?

Sunday, May 9, 2010

قمة الحب

قمة الحب أن تمنح من تحبه الأمان و أنت لا تملكه لنفسك.
قمة الحب عندما يصير من تحب جزء منك، فلا تملك الا أن تسامحه على أي شئ، فكيف تعاقب بضعا من نفسك
قمة الحب أن يصير من تحب هو أنت. فكيف تنتقم لجرحك من قطعة منك؟
قمة الحب أن يصير من تحب هو روحك. فكيف تعاقب من قتلك، فان هلك هو- هلكت.
قمة الحب أن تعطي من تحب قلبك و أنت تعلم أنه سيضيعه
قمة الحب أن تحب لا لأن من تحب قويا، عزيزا، و لكن لأن من تحب هو ذاك الطفل البرئ
قمة الحب أن تحمي براءته و تدافع عن قلبه الرقيق و تبعد الخوف عن عالمه الصغير- و تتنسى أن تحمي نفسك أنت
قمة الحب أن تحب و أنت ترى كل العيوب و بالرغم من ذلك تحب
قمة الحب أن تحب من ترى ضعفه و قيلة حيلته فتكون له السند و الحماية و الأمان و المأوى.
قمة الحب أن تعطي من تحب من روحك، فاذا أخذها و ذهب، بقيت وحيدا تدعو له بالسعادة
قمة الحب أن تستمع له و هو يحكي عن امرأة أحبته، و أخرى طاردته، و ثالثة جرحته- فلا تقوى على كرهه بل تدعو الله أن يسعده
قمة الحب أن تحب بالرغم من الألم و الغدر و الجرح و العذاب
لأن من تحبه هو ذاك الصغير الجميل البرئ الشقي
هو ذاك الحنون
هو ذاك الدافئ
هو ذاك الرقيق
هو ذاك الضعيف
هو ذاك التائه
قمة الحب أن تحب و أنت ترى أخطاء من تحب، فتحبه أكثر و تغفر له أي ذنب و كل ذنب
و حين يعود للذنب، تحبه أنت أكثر
لأن من تحب هو انسان عادي

Saturday, May 8, 2010


what is wrong with wishing for some happiness?

Monday, May 3, 2010

A wish

I wish to be a bird.
all i want is to fly to visit my friend.a loyal and dear friend, who was there every night.

my friend is that twinkling star far away, shining every night above my balcony, keeping me company and patiently listening to me telling the day's events, sharing my laughter and my tears.
the only friend, who saw my tears.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I miss him so much....

Not counting how many years since he is gone, i lost track of time anyway. but i feel it's been very long since he left, and I am getting impatient.
I dont know why i feel that he will come back. I know he won't. but i still wait for him to come back.
the world has turned into an ugly place since he left.
When people talk, i search for honesty in their words, but know that  mostly they are lieing.
None dares to be honest, they are all cowards.
people arround me use big words, while they are nothing but shallow figures
haven't seen acting in a proud way since ever
A song has no deep feelings any more
Language has turned into a superficial usage of words lined together. no depth or imaginary.
I close my eyes and fly to his world, to escape the one i live in.
I say his words to feel beauty on my lips
I listen to his recorded interviews to feel him there
I read his poems to feel warm, to reconnect with my soul
i read his poems every night before falling asleep to feel some warmth in me.

I miss the passion, warmth, weakness, honesty, openness, beauty, tenderness, strength, love, creativity, life- i miss all what he gave.
I miss him so much
I miss Nizar Qabbany so much.
I know he will not come back.
I know he is dead
But i miss him so much
And hope his soul rests in peace with his beloved wife Belqais