To dad on his 78th Birthday

Daddy, on your 78th birthday i want to send you a very special message.
special because you are not here to read.
special because I never talked to or with you like that, throughout the years of my life we spent together.
special because for the first time I am sure that it will reach you, no doubt.

You are gone since 4,5 years, but you are still here.home.when i drive.when we visit 3mo wahby.when i have to get the sheep for 3eid el ad7ah. everywhere I see and feel you.
still hear your voice asking me why the hell i don't turn on the car lights, or when you call me from my room to come and join you for dinner, or.... so many memories, moments, events i still remember and carry with me.

Let me start from the beginning.
during my  young years I always wondered why you never attended a parents' meeting.
because you were sure of my performance and i didnt need any looking after me.
true.but i wish you did.maybe to listen to their praising on how good I am.would have made a big difference to you.

also during my young years I always wondered why you don't pick me up on thursday to go visit grandma.
simply because I dont have one.both grandparents have died before I was born.
true.but the surprise itself would have been an event to celebrate.picking me up, I mean.

Never allowed to go to birthday parties of my friends or colleauges, because ya hebba i can not be sure of who will be there.
understood. but i needed to have friends. i never liked the fact that i grow up with no friends at all till my 9th grade at school. felt so lonely.among all types of toys, books, magazines you got me- i felt so lonely.

Never had a real talk together.about any subject.during any of my growing up phases. you are dad and i have to listen to you.you know what's best for me.
I am sure of that. but you have no idea how much i longed to have a talk with you.a real one.not when you are driving, falling asleep or about to go out. i needed you, as father, guide, older friend and a trusted person i can be sure of the sincereity of his advise.

i know you appreciated my strength and my continious support whenever I was needed, for long long years.
i know you appreciated the way your friends and everyone around talked about the "good girl" i am.
i know you appreciated my grades at shcool, college and even when i started my employment.
i know you appreciated me being at home & hospital near your bed during your last days.
But I needed to hear it from you.see it in your eyes, smile, hug or kiss.
unsaid words of appreciation and love kills me.

you know what? when you got ill, I hoped you'd finally stay home for recovery and then i would have all time i want for my postponed talks.when you were tired from chemo, i thought, ma3lesh.tomorrow is another day.i would have the time i need.
even when things got worse, i was the only one who believed in your recovery.and i would still have our time to talk.
when you died, i felt betrayed. sad of course because you are not there.
but betrayed more.
betrayed because i never had the chance to say goodbye.you died all of a sudden, while doctors said you'd be in coma for at least one month.but you were gone only 5 hours after.
betrayed because my dream is stolen and i will never get it back.
betrayed because my long awaited loving, caring and appreciation words will not be said.
betrayed because my dad is gone.no chance to have him back.

now i am stuck between a dream that would never come true- having a talk with my dad
and a deep routed sadness, which i can not deal with, your death.

Daddy, I am sorry for never telling you the above. wallahi i intended to, but you never gave me the chance. here and now i simply needed to tell you this.
I loved you so much, needed you so much, appreciated you so much, appreciated every single small gesture you did to provide me with best education and living standard.

Daddy, I never stopped loving you.never doubted your love too.even when i didnt understand your actions, still a small voice in me whispered: he loves you and wants your best.

I am hugging you very tight now, on your birthday.
your birthday gift is on the way up to you. wait for it. it will be delivered in the morning on a plate of gold carried by an angel.
it has no card, but i am sure you will know it is from me.
kisses and hugs from
Hebba
your oldest daughter.